Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
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CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My nickname is Phantom Menace, because I also came out in 1999 and am not that popular.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back