Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
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I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
disguised vampire: i put my sweat and tears into this project
boss: what about blood
disguised vampire: huh?
boss: *narrowing eyes* you do have blood right
disguised vampire: haha vhat do u mean
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
Facebook’s targeted ads think I have a cat.
I don’t, but I visited a friend with one and talked about it out loud.
The most powerful spy software in the world is trying to sell me kitty litter.
Skynet is here and it’s lame as hell.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
This one’s “Alex”.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.