me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
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Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would