Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
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Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
Me: I hate Asian stereotypes
Also me: *hits a parked car 5 times trying to parallel park for 17 minutes while screaming math obscenities
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
Cheer up.
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice