“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
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Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
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( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.