At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
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*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
put ‘er there pardner!
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Coffee is ready.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..