My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
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*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
crochet youtube is brutal
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
relationship goals
twitter users today:
o shit
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.