Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
🤣😂🤣
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Wait a second…
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.