The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
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We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
What even happened today?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
yall want some gasoline milk
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it