Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
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2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
#gardening
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”