Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
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I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
my grandparents were such a vibe in the 40s
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.