I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
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[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?