I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
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They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
eggs benadryl
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
🤣could you imagine
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.