I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
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A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
Still laughing at this stupid meme
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts