[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
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your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi