The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
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What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
My son hugged me and very sweetly told me Happy Mother’s Day. Then he looked up at me, “I have a surprise for you!” And he took out his recorder…
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Worst bar ever.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.