“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
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“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!