Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
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Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
These 3D printers are insane!
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler