Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
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Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
choose your fighter
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something