My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
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judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things