R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
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I can’t unsee it now
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
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HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
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If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
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me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Let me make something perfectly clear.
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Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
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4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
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Batman
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Cons: Robin
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