I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
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If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why donât you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I havenât bathed in weeks
them: againâŠthis is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I donât understand why I canât have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I donât understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think Iâve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
lightly toasted and extra crispy đ
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
Iâd just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is âshotormorghâ (ŰŽŰȘŰ±Ù Ű±Űș) which literally translates to âcamel-chickenâ, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Me đ
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me đ
Girlfriend: I read an article that itâs possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Donât kid yourself
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
My 6yo said âIâm still hungryâ and I couldnât resist responding with âIâm still daddyâ
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean