Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
No, YOUR illiterate.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
The biggest mystery of our time
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.