me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
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Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.