Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
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Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.