*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
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I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.