A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.