You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
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Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.