“losing/taking virginity”
– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?“sexual debut”
– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved
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Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.