i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
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Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”