It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
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I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Breaking news:
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!