I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
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I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Vodka burrito was a success
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost