Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
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no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.