4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
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My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Duolingo getting serious.
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
A ghost story
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”