Not trying to brag but my son’s teacher wants his artwork to be looked at by a psychologist
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If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Another day another opportunity to tell my toddler that if she doesn’t want to see my nose boogers she could try not looking up my nostrils.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
road rage
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I was putting my jeans on.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”