Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
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*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
There are two rules in life:
1. Never tell anyone everything.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.