Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
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You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong