Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
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Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Hilarious if literal: arms race
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”