Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
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Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!