Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
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‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
One of my favorite lies to tell myself is that a blueberry muffin is substantially more nutritious than a chocolate chip muffin.
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen