Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
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Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
Breaking news:
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.