I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
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Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Mistakes were made
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Yup.
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago