Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
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Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.