Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
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New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
another case of gang violins
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
😅😅😅
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”