ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
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[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.