Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick