me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
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Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Why do football players only dance when good shit happens? Just once I wanna see a QB throw an interception & do a sad, interpretive dance.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
Cop: ma’am i pulled you over because you were tailgating me
Me: okay first of all, if you didn’t want me tailgating you maybe you shouldn’t have a dog in the car
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?