Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
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there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different.
I thought she meant the gym.
I wondered why my cereal tasted funny…😫😫😫
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”