Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
You Might Also Like
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
[Paranormal Activity, 2007]
a one night stand, but make it spooky
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.