I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
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Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.